So many of us have promised our parents that we’d never put them in a home.

And then, one day, we do.

Putting a loved one in residential care is an incredibly difficult decision for anyone. It’s even harder when doing so breaks a promise we’ve made.

Here’s what our community has to say about it.


I do care for my invalid Mother at home, but promises or not, there are instances where one can no longer care for a parent; so choose a nursing home carefully, visit very often. – Phyllis M.

What if you get sick? Or disabled? Of course you provide better care than other people would but it is important to make plans for what to do in case of emergency. Caregivers develop illnesses and have accidents just like non-cargivers. – Jeananne E.

I tried as hard as I could not to put my dad into a nursing home. I had to in the end for the last months of his life because I couldn’t lift him anymore. He died not forgiving me for doing that. No one else helped me care for him all those years. Now I care for my mum and I am doing a great job. However she knows that I will only put her in a home when I can no longer care for her re my health or my inability to lift her etc. I will sleep well when she goes to God because I know I have done all I could for her and dad. Those who do nothing are the first to throw stone. They are the ones who live their lives only unto themselves. – Diann P.

My moms care is taking its toll on me, physically, emotionally, spiritually. It’s difficult to say the least. – GG W.

When you keep anyone you are caring for in your home it engulfs you. I have had the greatest caretakers in for Mom. We are truly blessed for that. It’s my time now to live. I have a world to conquer before my last breathe is taken. Address the problems and run it like a business but remember you can only run hard for a few years. Then it’s time to make this decision. Best of luck! – Diane B.

Many families have no choice. We should not shame people who are at the end of their ability to caregive. And sometimes when people get to this point the care at home is awful. I have seen this many times. I understand care in nursing homes and assisted living facilities may not be good but sometimes there is just “The end” to the ability to caregive especially if the care recipient is violent or doesn’t sleep. – Jeananne E.

Social isolation

I think keeping a loved one at home after decades of illness is not good for the loved one or caregivers. It sets everyone up for injury, undue chronic stress and most caregivers are physically incapable of the job. The whole family should matter not just the sick person.

Keeping the individual at home sets everyone up for extreme social isolation cutting them off from services and finding friends. Nothing like group depression to compound issues. If you realize the family member has deteriorated beyond the point you can safely care for them, bite the bullet.

That said, I believe most families are deterred by what they see as high costs and that once the family member runs out of money, he’ll be evicted and back at home. – Angela M.

Your safety

I promised that for both of my parents.

But I did have to put my dad into a nursing home after years of caring for him at home because he was becoming too violent.

It’s a horrible feeling when you have to physically restrain your father because he is trying to kill you. I dealt with his verbal and emotional abuse for years but on two occasions he tried to end my life due to the demented state he was in.

I still care for my mom in my home. – Lorne S.

My MIL will cuss you, hit you, and throw things at you! She would stab us if we didn’t hide all the knives. – Vickie B.

Your health

Sometimes we must make decisions that are difficult due to our own health or situation. Do the very best that you can with love. I do care for my mother at home, but understand if one cannot. Only one who has been there can understand. – Phyllis M.

I used to visit the “Old Folks Home” on my way home from elementary school. I promised my Mom she would never have to go there. It was like the dog pound. I quit working and took care of her, by myself, until she passed at age 94. Her dementia took a toll on me that will last all my life. – Cherie H.

I know I can’t change a diaper of a 230 lb woman for the next 10 years while working and raising my daughter. – Jennifer G.

It’s not abandonment

“Abandoning” is the key word here.

When your parent(s) go to live at assisted-living or nursing home, visit/call them often. Then, you aren’t abandoning them. – Kristi W.

My mom is in assisted living 3 miles away. She has her own room. I take her to all of her doctor and dentist appointments plus we have her over every week for a break from her home, to go to church with us, and have a family meal. I also buy all her clothing and personal needs items plus clip her fingernails and bring her to get haircut. She won’t let the aids cut her fingernails. She wants me to do it. She is able to live out her life there even in hospice. Since she is so close we will be able to be there all the time anyway should that time come. – Jeannine G.

You can not risk your health way of living or sanity to take care of a parent. If they were in their right frame of mind they wouldn’t want you to. Take care of yourself and visit often. Take them out on outings if their health allows. – Renea L.

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