resentment

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This topic contains 40 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of JP JP 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #6641 Reply

    judy

    I’ve been taking care of my parents for the past the years. I have to admit that I really resent doing it. They weren’t there for me as parents and were busy dealing with their own issues for most of my childhood. Is it normal to feel this way? Is there anything to make it better?

  • #6768 Reply

    edward

    I bet everyone on this site feels resentful sometimes. That’s just part of being human. Caregiving isn’t easy and sometimes it feels like people take what we do for granted. I’ve got no magic answers for you, but the way you feel is totally normal.

  • #6821 Reply

    Aleta

    I feel the same My mom is so mean and calls me a liar She is so bitter and angry I try to please her non stop and about 5% of the time she is nice I am so tired I need help 🙁

  • #7912 Reply

    sharon

    My resentment stems from the lack of sharing yhe load from my only sibling. He never calls(livrs in another state) to adk about our dad or to even talk to dad. He is so self sbsorbed in his own pity party he foesnt nother yo realizr what an ordeal it is for my husband and I to care for my dad. Dad is not incapable of doing for himself but he is 91 and cannot live alone 100%. We moved him into our home 2 years ago after mom passed away. My husband and I have had a total disruption of our relationship and way of life. My brother doesnt even csre. He just goes about his life. I even offered to pay my brothers travel expenses to come and stay with dad so hubby and I could have a break and go to visit grandkids in another state. Of course as many of you probably expect he said no…cant do it. I not only have resentment I have anger…lots of it.

  • #7923 Reply

    Cindy

    I think it’s totally normal to feel resentment. After all, caregiving certainly eats your life! And the part of it that’s the worst (for me) is that it just keeps getting harder & harder with every year. I’m 9 years in. I had to give up my career for starters when my mom became really sick and it was more than my dad could deal with. He was in his late 70’s, had already had one heart attack, prostate cancer and severe arthritis (he could barely walk). Mom recovered from the C Diff, but had a stroke in the middle of it, and that started her slide into dementia. They were able to live in their home (close to both me & my daughter) until my father passed away in 2013 after a battle with cancer.
    My mother then moved in with me, and it’s been 24/7 dealing with her dementia ever since. My poor father! I had no idea she was this hard to live with. She & I have always “butted heads” about anything and everything…..and her dementia has made it even worse. I do love my mother, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a demented woman run my house (and yes, she tried to take over).
    This has morphed into a situation where I can leave her alone for maybe an hour or two……if I judge her mood right, and I’m lucky. And yes, I resent the hell out of it some days. My daughter takes her for one 24 hour period most weeks (thank God), and I’ve put her into an assisted living facility for a couple of long weekends, but breaks during the first year were nonexistent. I’m an only child, so I don’t even have a sibling to get mad at!
    I sometimes wonder if the stress from this is going to kill me before my caregiving days end. It’s entirely possible.

    • #8236 Reply

      Cindy, I can relate to all you’re going through. Although, for my mother and her mother (my grandmother), the fighting they once did lessened once the dementia set in. My grandmother and my mom fought a lot, but it disappeared once we knew her diagnosis. My grandmother is in very severe cognitive decline and barely mutters three words to anyone. I wonder if she recognizes me or my mom. I hope you are getting through with the help of your daughter. My mom is the only person, aside from the home aid, taking care of her. Luckily, you have this space to talk and cope together. We all do.

    • #8677 Reply

      Helen

      Cindy, I too can relate. I am now 4 years into taking care of my mother. I do have two younger brother, as I am 60 years old and mom is 86, that help when they can. they surprised me by getting a Visiting Angel twice a
      week four hours each day for me so that I could go out or sleep or whatever. My mother is somewhat mobile, but
      is in adult diapers that I change all the time. I have even put a hospital bed in the dining room so that it is
      easier for me to get to her. we have lived together for the past 20+ years so it was natural for me to be the one to take care of her. She does have dementia but one thing I do give her is Coconut Oil. 100% organic pure virgin coconut oil. I get it at Trader Joes. I use it like butter or margarine. if I give her soup I melt some in there. Just about a teaspoon full if that much. but it has helped her a LOT. otherwise you can see the change in her eyes and how she acts. But first check with her doctor. I have recommended it to many. if it works for all people, that I do not know. but it has helped her. Look up coconut oil on the internet. it has many uses. But I do have resentment too. even though we have lived together for so many years, we were never close even though I tried. we were just too different and I could never do good or enough for her. so here I am
      doing it basically all and it still is not good enough. I am trying to let it go, but it is hard. so my dear, I send you love and blessings and know that you are not alone. we are here. I have cried so many tears in the past four years and like you I think I will go first from it all. I do go to a local support group once a month and it is nice to be able to talk or just listen. Hang in there.
      Thank you
      Helen

  • #7940 Reply
    Profile photo of Pat
    Pat

    I absolutely resent it at times, particularly becoming the recipient of her poor choices in life like not caring enough about the bills to know what was going on.

  • #7941 Reply

    Drummergirl

    I don’t resent the situation, though I feel some frustration about the worry and increasing responsibility. What I do resent is my brother’s hands-off attitude.

  • #7944 Reply

    Connie

    I feel so envious of my friends who are going on with their lives while I sit day after day after day by my husbands side! I love my husband to death and wouldn’t walk away ever, but I’ve been doing this for over 5 years and I am only 56 years old. This was supposed to be our time to enjoy life……
    The sad part is, I can’t even with for it to be over because that means the end for him (or me?)! Don’t know what to wish for. So… I just pray for perseverance. I seem to hate when I wake up in the morning and have to face another day, but I also hate the nights because I have so much trouble sleeping.
    I’m not sure if resentment is the word for my feeling.

    • #10024 Reply
      Profile photo of Elsebeth
      ep

      Dear Connie,
      I feel exactly the same, and I don’t think resentment is the right word.
      I have been my husband’s sole caregiver since 2009 (he got ill in 2001, but the first years were OK. Now I cannot leave him alone. I wish so much that I could take my grandchildren on outings, to the movie, just be with them (alone!) for some hours a week or at least every other week. And I fear falling ill, so that I cannot care for my husband anymore (he is a very private person, so nursing home or the like would be terrible for him).
      I also hate every new day, and have serious trouble sleeping – just like you.
      I wish you all the best and pray that you can cope!
      Elisabeth

  • #7948 Reply

    Kirkland wife

    I feel guilty even saying I’m resentful, but it’s true and I am. We care for my elderly father-in-law. Even when we were in our dating phase, the caregiving began. Once married it became more intense. My FIL lived with us before we were married and after. We didn’t get much of a honeymoon-my sister-in-law brought him home the same day we got home from our weekend away. It’s been difficult to have the siblings-in-law recognize what we have to deal with daily. My husband stays home with his dad while I work two to three jobs to keep things afloat. We both are exhausted and need a long break but when we try to get a vacation in-it never works out.
    As I come home in the evenings, my husband and I have about 5 minutes to catch up and then it’s my turn to take over so he can have a well deserved break. We are exhausted. We are resentful that it takes so much of our newlywed time away and that the siblings don’t see or offer to chip in and give us a well deserved break.
    I long for the days that we will be able to wake up one morning and say: let’s go somewhere and be able to do that together without any apprehension or the fight of convincing FIL That it’s a good idea to only get there and have to turn around because he’s not happy. But for now, we will carry continue to do our activities individually because someone always has to stay home with him.
    I’ll leave on the positive: my FIL is still able to do a lot for himself-we recognize that it could be worse and we are blessed that he took such good care of his body that he is able to stay with us.

    • #7951 Reply

      Wendy

      You need to check and see if there are any organizations in your area that provide some kind of adult sitter services or home care. Even if was only to provide a break for a few hours a week for you to be able to spend some time together and get a break. Do you have a church you attend? If so, maybe there would be someone who would be willing to come and sit with your FIL for a few hours once or twice a week. Surely you have some good friends who might be willing to help with this. I hope you all get some relief and help. Keep being positive as much as possible.

  • #7950 Reply

    Wendy

    I have only been a caregiver for my Mom since last May when we moved her in to live with us. We found out in October that she has Alzheimer’s and it is already in the middle to final stage of the disease. I am the only one of five siblings who was even interested or willing to care for my Mom. As far as I’m concerned, it is their loss and not mine. Yes, I’m giving up my time, my job and for a time living my life like I wanted too, but what a blessing to be able to care for this amazing and beautiful woman who brought me into this world. No, I did not have a perfect childhood, and there were many times over the years when I felt angry, disappointed, and even unloved by my parents (my Dad has been gone for over 15 years now) but I have not always been the best parent either. We all have made mistakes with our children. There may come a time when I feel resentment, but I hope not, for I’m sure my Mom has never felt resentment for bringing me into this world.

    • #8145 Reply
      Profile photo of Brenda Marie
      Brenda Marie
      Member

      Hey there Wendy, It is a terrific thing that you have decided to take care of your mother. Let’s say from experience, taking care of another person can be the most rewarding thing on earth. As far as the feeling of resentment, I hope that you can find a solution to suppress those feelings.

      Hope all is going well! Talk to you soon.

  • #7959 Reply

    Erica

    Wow. None of you could imagine how good it has been to read all of your posts. It makes me feel “normal” ! It’s so comforting to know that there are people who are going through the exact same thing that I am, and feeling the same way about it! I’ve spent years feeling guilty and wondering why I’m so selfish that I could be resentful of my situation. Like many of you have mentioned, my marriage is strained because we can’t go anywhere or do anything together. Life has become work, cook, clean, take care of FIL….repeat…repeat…repeat. I’m exhausted and stressed and don’t know when either of us will reach the breaking point. I’m sick of hospitals, doctors offices, calls to insurance companies, trips to pharmacies, etc etc. I just want to have a life with my husband and not be worried ALL the time. I just want my life to be taken off hold!!!

  • #8080 Reply
    Profile photo of Brenda Marie
    Brenda Marie
    Member

    Hey Judy, I understand your resentment against your parents as you are caring for them now. The way you feel is they way you feel, yes it is that simple. No one can tell you how to feel, especially dealing with a situation like this. I know what you are thinking, why take care of my parents.. when they did not give me enough attention growing up. Judy, you seem to be living in the past and holding on to grudges. I say let it go and forgive. In order to make you feel better, I think you should express your thoughts to your parents. Once you tell them how you feel, you might feel a lot better. In addition, you may never know what responses you might get back.

    Best of luck and feel better!

  • #8498 Reply
    Profile photo of Siobhan E
    Siobhan E
    Participant

    I was in the same position, left to care for parents who’d neglected and mistreat me all my life. I resented having to care for them, I resented the fact that not one person asked if I wanted to be their carer, I was just left to get on with it because I’m their daughter.

    I begged for them to be placed in a Home but no one would listen to me, they’d speak to my parents who’d say “no” to going into a Home or having Home Helps.

    Nothing made it easier or better until FINALLY someone spoke to me and not my mother, and they LISTENED to me.

    It’s a sad fact that people call Caring “rewarding” “fulfilling” “a privilege” and other romanticised labels, when those of use who are (or have been) carers (if they’re being brutally honest) will tell you it’s nothing of the sort.

    Being a carer was -for me- heart breaking soul and soul destroying. My physical health has been affected, and my mental an emotional health is destroyed. I wouldn’t wish being a carer on my worst enemy and anyone who asks me for advise gets told the same thing “don’t do it”.

    Unfortunately (as I found out) you get caught up in being a carer without meaning to.

    I don’t know what to tell you Judy, but you are not the only one who’s suffering! ((HUGS))

    • #8678 Reply

      Helen

      Oh Siobhan E, thank you for being so honest with your feelings. I thought I was the only one who did not
      find this as rewarding. I wish I was able to see into the future many years ago and known that my mother would
      need this care and had preplanned for it. but alas it is as it is.
      just wanted to say thank you and Bless you.

    • #9887 Reply

      Karin

      Sioban I love your post. Everyone does romanticize caregiving. Oh, you are a good person! Oh you will have no regrets! Didnt your mother take care of you???? Uh, I was a baby/child tho.

      Your health may be ruined, your finances gone, your sanity destroyed but you wont have any regrets. I’m sorry I just have to laugh. I know Im doing the right thing but to say its a blessing or this wondrous thing Im doing or such a good calling, etc. is ridiculous! It’s hard, its awful most of the time, it sucks and it will kill you if you arent careful.

      Im lucky to have a great church family to help me but my own family……not! That builds resentment & anger. I try not to beat my head against the wall expecting them to change but I still do………….caregiving will do that to you!

  • #8682 Reply

    Marilyn Littlepage

    Thank you so much for this article. I feel resentful sometimes while taking care of my Father. He can be mean at times and say hurtful things. We definitely bump heads. Then when I see how frail he is, I feel guilty. But you know, I still would not have it any other way… I love reading the comments and its good to know that I am not alone with this.

  • #8687 Reply

    Samantha Taylor

    I have much resentment as well. Took care of my mom through brain cancer, then lung cancer. I don’t resent caring for her, but for my father now of almost 4 years. He was gone out of my life for most if it and my husband and I decided to take the task on for caring for him. My father just expects everything, which he gets well taken care of. His left hip in bone on bone,and he can’t take pain meds because then all he does is sleep.I also wake up every morning dreading the day, if I hear a click, click, click on the table, its because he wants a beer. We don’t allow him more then 3 a day and the doctors said its fine for him to drink them, but he gets mad when he can’t gave more. Because of Hus dementia, he forgets if it morning or night, and gets up in middle of night to try and get a beer, my husband gives out and takes it away from him and the argument starts. My husband has been so wonderful in doing all my father’s bathing and a TON of other things for my dad. I don’t know what I would do without him as my father is so weak he is almost wheelchair bound. I have lost like 45 lbs in the last 2 years, no appetite, lost interest in everything, sometimes fear when I even have to leave the house.I as well use to be active and now I can’t even get myself to even take a walk. I have health issues as well, plates and bolts in my neck, surgery on shoulder, I have a bad left hip as well andmuch more, but don’t even go to the docs to take care of me because I can’t leave my dad and have no one to watch him and can’t afford to pay anyone to watch him. My brother will have nothing to do with my father and I gave no friends that come over ant more,m father can be very rude if someone is black or fat and will say rude remarks. I have a list a mile long if issues, but it helps to vent now and then. I just wish “I” could be me again and not feel so sad all the time. I don’t know what I would do without my husband and surprised he has not left me, he is a Very active man and now I have become the non active wife because of my father. I just want to find me again and don’t know how to do it. Thank you for listening…

  • #9535 Reply
    Profile photo of Rachael
    Rachael
    Member

    It’s a good thing you have a supportive husband, let your husband know how much you appreciate him, that’s very important. Don’t be sad about something that’s out of your control, if there was anything you could do to get your father healthy, you know you’ll do it, so don’t be sad about something you can’t control. Apologize to your friends that have been offended by your father, and explain the situation so they know what to expect. They are your friends,they should be able to endure a few insults and rudeness just to be with you, you are going through much worst. Don’t deny yourself the comfort of your friends because of your father.

    If your brother will have nothing to do with your father, will he do it for your sake? you are going through a lot and if he will not take your father into consideration, will he take you into consideration? does he care if something happens to you. So even if he doesn’t want anything to do with your father, let him know he should do it for your sake because you are exhausted and are losing your health. You have so much inner strength that’s just so evident to see, but your body is exhausted and it’s time your family and true friends starts helping out.

  • #9864 Reply

    Lee Ann Smith

    My husband oversees the at home caregiving by healthcare personnel for his mother. This is the best arrangement for her and for him as he is a disabled veteran. He gets no help from his brother and all decisions are his responsibility. His father passed a few months ago and his older brother, a few months before that. Aside from grief, having to drive five hours each way, and his physical disabilities, resentment creeps up sometimes.

    Does anyone have any suggestions how I can help him handle the resentment and the emotional weight of this responsibility ?

    • #34258 Reply

      norastact
      Participant

      a lot of prayer to help with patience
      people not wanting to do their part

  • #9870 Reply
    Profile photo of Pat
    Pat Pope

    I resent it because my parents did not handle their money well and my mother has little sense of budgeting, credit and debt. Although a nice person, she is also entitled and ungrateful and manipulative. I believe she didn’t hear “no” enough in her life and is like a child if she doesn’t get her way. Also, being single all my life and one who enjoys solitude, I really hate having to come home in the evenings and cook for two, clean and do laundry when I’d rather just relax. We’re hopefully getting an aide soon, so that will help to have someone come in a few days a week, taking some of the load off me.

  • #9883 Reply

    Karin

    Thank you all for taking away the stigma of feeling resentful. You dont want to feel it but its there none the less. Mine is mostly from my sibling not ever helping & blaming me for everything. Mom is on her side. Im like hey what am I? Chopped liver? The ONLY one who is here. Gave up my job…..and Im 9 years older than sibling who is married and has time to build reserves still…….not me tho. Wow, see it just oozes out when I talk about her. They dont realize that just to have someone call and act like they are interested, answer your phone calls, give you just one weekend off once in a while & you could stay somewhat sane.

    Prayers up for everyone on this site. We have a hard job & no matter what, how much love, how much obligation, how much responsibility, how much respect, we still feel resentful at times or angry or frustrated. Only those in the trenches understand.

    Thank you all for sharing. Makes us all feel less alone!

  • #10048 Reply

    Cathy

    On my Father’s deathbed, my Father asked me to promise I would be the one to care for my Mother. He asked me to never put her in a nursing home and if neccessary to live with her when she couldn’t be by herself.
    Two years later I sold my house and me and my kids moved in with my Mom. She had had 4 surgeries in one year, and been g oven a diagnosis of dementia/alzheimer’s. At first I saw this as keeping my last promise to my Dad, now 5 years later I am resentful of this promise I accepted. My children are resentful of our responsibilities. My Brothers are able to live their lives, work, vacation and be with their family’s. I lost my job because of all the issues of my home life and how they effected my work. And I don’t know of any employer that will hire me knowing my need for flexibility.
    I love my Mother, and feel I am doing what God and my Dad called me to do. But it is a thankless job sometimes that I wish I was not burdens under

  • #10066 Reply
    Profile photo of Carla Aviles
    Carla

    I am taking care of my parents. I don’t feel resentful towards them, but I do feel this way towards my brother and his wife. They could help out, but they do nothing. They haven’t once asked if they could do a load of laundry, go grocery shopping, make dinner, clean the house or take care of mom while I take my young children out to a movie. I resent that their children get to participate in sports and other activities while my children are stuck at home because I have to change or feed grandma. I resent my husband for leaving me to for a 5 year old and an 8 year old while I need to care for my Dad who has ALS and my Mom who is bedridden with dementia. I resent the fact that I can’t even mourn the loss of my marriage. I resent God for piling all of this on me at once. I could handle one at a time but honestly, 2 sick parents and a pending divorce? I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. I try not to complain because I don’t want to hurt my Dad’s feelings and he already feels like a burden. It’s not that I do not want to care for him or Mom, it’s just that I get so overwhelmed. I’m so worried about my kids. While I’m doing what I need to do, they are having to take care of themselves. They are so little. I feel like I’m failing them

  • #11286 Reply
    Profile photo of Rachael
    Rachael
    Member

    Hey Carla,

    If no one sees how much you’re doing, you do. Take comfort in the fact that you’re a loving and caring person and you are doing your best with the situation at hand. If it helps to complain, come to The Caregiver Space and complain all you want, there are people here who will listen. You are not failing your children because you are a good mother, and believe me children are wiser than we credit them for, if you talk to them you’d be surprise at what they say, they see what you’re going through. I suggest you start placing demands on your brother and his wife, it’s not fair that they are not helping out, some people don’t know to do the right thing until you obligate them to, ask your brother and his wife for support, give them specific and measurable tasks, I’m sure there are tons that you need some help with.

  • #18636 Reply
    Profile photo of Donna Stines
    Donna Stines
    Participant

    WOW, it was so cathartic to hear how everyone feels! I have felt angry and resentful of having to be my husband’s caregiver as I watch all of our friends move on with their lives. It angered me to listen to my brother in law always second guess my husband’s decision to not seek further treatment for his Pancreatic Cancer and how all of our friends say they will come to visit and then never show up or call. Not only do I need the break, but it kills me to see how sad it makes my husband. People tell me all the time about how “strong” I am and I just want to tell them that is BS! I’m not strong, I just have no choice! But every once in a while I have a ray of sunshine. Today I was able to get out to church and the sermon was, “You Will Get Through This!” It was just what I needed to hear!

    • #18804 Reply
      Profile photo of Brenda Marie
      Brenda Marie
      Member

      Hey Donna,

      I think the first step you should take is stop comparing your life to others. Comparing your life is what is possibly causing the resentment. I’m glad that you gotten a chance to go out to church. Since your husband is sad about his condition, taking him out would be great. Donna, you are strong!

      I hope things get better and I’m looking to hearing from you.

  • #21501 Reply
    Profile photo of Rachael
    Rachael
    Member

    What in your caregiving experience do you resent recently?

    • #34257 Reply

      norastact
      Participant

      people not wanting to do their part

  • #52462 Reply
    Profile photo of nikkiannie
    Nancy

    I am so glad that I came on to the website and read the above comments regarding resentment with caregiving. I resent ha I g to take care of my mother very much. Many times growing up she wasn’t available to help me. I don’t think she was intentionally neglectful, but “lost” in her own world. As she grew older and became more and more dependent on me, she also became more negative, critical and imposing. What really upsets me is that I talked to her numerous times about her plans for care as she declined. She never had an answer and never prepared for this part of her life.

    Now, she lives with me and my husband. It has almost been a year with little if any help from my brothers. How much of my life do I have to give up for my mother? Since coming here she has caused lots and lots of problems. Fortunately, my husband is tolerant and patient. I just don’t know how much I can do.

  • #55510 Reply

    Deni

    Nancy, I feel like I’m in a similar situation. Some people are not very good parents, even if they aren’t intentionally neglectful. So many people can’t take care of themselves, nevermind someone else. I take care of my dad. Honestly, I’m not sure I can have him live with me much longer. The toll it’s taking on my career and marriage are just too great. I’m trying to come up with a way for him to still be taken care of (at least partially by me still). It’s tough. So many of the choices are all or nothing. I don’t want to be 100% responsible for him, but I also don’t want to abandon him to be a ward of the state.

  • #55512 Reply

    Lee

    I am now in year 13 of caring for my husband of 49 years with ALS, kidney disease, cardiovascular disease, gout, sleep apnea, diabetes, high blood pressure, and now, colon cancer. I burned out a few years back, and now just resentfully grind through the days, my own fragile health failing (MS) and I think I may not survive him. And —- I no longer care. I think about death all the time, and every day I go to bed, I hope I do not wake up again.

  • #60207 Reply

    Nicole458

    Let go of your resentment.

  • #60237 Reply
    Profile photo of Alice
    Nicole Tew

    Thanks for the tips!

  • #61185 Reply
    Profile photo of
    Anonymous

    I deal with resentment every day. I get around my mother and a woman we hired to give us a break during the day. All I do is gone on about my brother who never helps us out. He lives in another state. I am horrible talking about him. I hate everything around me most of the time. I have this baby monitor that I have to keep on all day long when I’m in my bedroom. I hear her crying, ouching over her aches and pains, and just screaming at the top of her lungs sometimes. My dad is her primary caregiver, I do everything she used to do. I can’t lift her because she is too big. My dad is amazing. He is elderly too. He is the only one here that can lift her. We have his brothers and sisters around here, but they never help us at all. I just feel hopeless half the time. My mom was there for me. She was the only person I knew when I was growing up that she loved me. I feel guilty because sometimes she embarrasses me with her behavior around people who come to help her. She’ll curse at them and mistreat them like dogs like she does me. She is okay most days, but some days she is horrid. She won’t do anything you ask her to do if it involves her feeling pain. God help me, my mom is and was a beautiful person. She always taught me respect. She has a deep faith in God, gave me that faith. I just feel so lonely without her as she used to be. She was my best friend. Now I see a shell of who she was. I feel so bad because I feel this resentment and anger constantly. I feel guilty because I don’t like being around her because she isn’t who she used to be. I am bitter and angry enough, being around her makes you feel like you want to go hang yourself. I’m sorry.. I just figured this forum was for venting and sharing your inner most feelings without being judged. I love my mom so very much. I wouldn’t be the woman I am without her. I’m just mad at myself for many different reasons. I just thank God he is still chasing after me and helping me through these emotions.

  • #65401 Reply
    Profile photo of JP
    JP
    Participant

    What do I resent recently: Being chastised/reminded by my husb that we are more like roommates, that I need to be more affectionate & get sex back into our marriage. After being reminded of this again last night, I’m just freakin angry about it this morning. Give Give Give & I don’t have anything left.

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