Spousal Caregivers

Young Caregivers, feel like a relationship is impossible?

This topic contains 11 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Andrena JeannineDay 5 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #18578 Reply
    Profile photo of Nicki Bailey
    Nicki Bailey
    Participant

    Any young caregivers (I’m early 20s) feel like it’s impossible to have a relationship or your own family while caring for parents? I’m taking care of my mom, and between that and work, it’s very hard to think of meeting someone who would understand and “share” me.

  • #18648 Reply

    Kerrin Scott

    Hi Nicki.
    It feels impossible doesn’t it? But it isn’t.
    I lived that life too: I was my mother’s caregiver my whole life. My earliest memories involve reaching things for her and pushing her wheelchair. My mom became a paraplegic when she was 27, after surviving Polio. She had me when she was 39. I lived apart from her for only a few years at the end of her life, yet did find a wonderful husband and we have two amazing young adults of our own.

    My husband was always willing to accept that my mother and I were a package deal. From the very beginning he accepted the limitations that controlled our lives. He developed his own strong relationship with her, and in some ways was ‘better’ with her in some aspects of her life than I was. My kids were raised with the kindest resident grandmother possible.

    So it is possible! It’s not always easy, and can be complicated, but with love and honesty from the very beginning relationships and caregiving can intertwine. What began as a casual conversation with a stranger 26 years ago became a great marriage.
    My mother died just this past January at age 88. Now my family is figuring out how to navigate life without her; we move on.
    I wish you much strength and love.

  • #18897 Reply

    Lorne Sobczyk

    All of my relationships have failed. Being a caregiver and dating is next to impossible I found. I can’t just take the weekend off with my girl and go on a trip. I have to find someone to care for my mom and make sure everything is set up before I leave. Then when I am away for the weekend all I can think about is my mom and if she is doing well. Being a caregiver is a lonely experience and it’s even more lonely when no one wants to date you.

    • #20136 Reply
      Profile photo of Brenda Marie
      Brenda Marie
      Member

      Hey Lorne,

      It is not impossible for you to date! Whenever you go out on the weekends, make sure your mom is in good hands. This way, you might not be too worried about her. I am sure people are willing to date you.

      I would like to hear more about your experience.

  • #18898 Reply

    Dreama

    Even us not-so-young single caregivers face the same challenge. It takes a special person to understand your commitments and calling. At 53, my children are grown and I am caring for both of my parents. My loving, supportive relationship is what keeps me going. Good luck!

  • #18901 Reply

    Geri

    I am going on 51 years old and dating has been nearly impossible. I have been dating for 8 months now after a long dry spell. I feel like my relationship is doomed because when I get home I get a huge guilt trip for my mother and we fight. I have promised her I would never leave her or my handicapped sister and would always take care of them. my boyfriend only lives 5 minutes from my house and yet my mom resents when I go out with him for even a few minutes. I do believe though if someone truly loves you they would take you and your family as a whole package.

  • #18908 Reply

    RJ

    Being a single male at 55, I too have found it impossible to maintain a relationship. I care for my 91 year old mother who is failing both mentally and physically. I haven’t been able to gone for more than a few hours for nearly a year and I have no backup, as my sister chooses to be uninvolved. Due to my mother’s situation, my personal finances have been severely stressed. She refuses to relocate elsewhere with me (where opportunity is better and quality hired care more readily available) and she refuses to leave her house. She is incapable of living without constant care. Needless to say, she is very stubborn. This puts me in a position of extreme isolation and really nothing to bring to a relationship but myself and the hardships associated with care-giving. For a woman, the situation must be terrible, but for a man, who is expected to give in all ways, it is impossible. The couple of relationships that have gone somewhere, were cut off in the end because my mother comes as part of the package. Most relationships last only a few weeks, as when the reality of caregiving is learned by whoever I was beginning to see, they didn’t want the hassle. Also, it seems the precursor to the relationship being terminated is always that the conversations seem to start beginning with “how is your mom doing today”. In the end, it seems that it is just easier for them to walk away from me before things become too serious. Frankly, I want to give up because the heartache isn’t worth the risk. Women seem to be attracted by the tender heart, conversation and good looks (their words, not mine – I don’t feel that way nowadays), but the reality of the responsibility I bear seems to much for them…

  • #19471 Reply
    Profile photo of Rachael
    Rachael
    Member

    From what I have read so far, this is obviously a challenge not faced by young caregivers alone, but everyone alike. It’s quite sacrificial and selfless for one to be a caregiver. I refer to it as a calling as well and sadly not a lot of people are willing to answer that call with us. I agree with a comment above that “it takes a special person to understand your commitment and calling.” Special people are rare, but they exist.

  • #21529 Reply
    Profile photo of Rachael
    Rachael
    Member

    Are any young caregivers out there feeling like a relationship is impossible lately? Talk to us.

    • #26874 Reply
      Profile photo of Meg
      Meg
      Participant

      My husband and I can definitely relate to feeling like our relationship is impossible at times. We are still basically newlyweds (just celebrated 3 years) and we are live-in caregivers for my 88 year old grandmother. It is difficult to say the least. She is intrusive and does not believe in privacy at all. She still acts as if I am a child. She also does not recognize my husband as my husband and will even try to start fights between us. She only succeeded in the beginning and then we realized what she was doing so we now have a united front when talking with her. It’s hard to be intimate at times because we are just so exhausted at the end of each day. I work from home and I’m here with her 24/7. He is a full-time student and works a part-time job and is a musician so both of us are a bit in over our heads. We try to get away when we can but then we just feel guilty. And she certainly contributes to that any time we want to go on vacation or even just out to dinner. It’s sad really. I keep telling myself that it is not forever, but these are some of the best years of our lives and I feel like they are slipping away.

  • #24006 Reply

    Charles

    I feel that way too. 25 and a young professional. I live in a very busy house as it is, my sister and brother in law and their 9 kids plus my disabled, stroke victim father. My sister and her husband have their own worries with their children so taking care of dad falls on me. I sleep on the ground floor and am constantly awoken in the middle of the night by him for this reason or that. Because of that, I can’t voluntarily work night shifts which limits my earnings but also, I can’t go out or stay out with anyone because I know I have to be home for him. I seriously fear I won’t find someone that will amount to anything because I am so tethered here with my dad.

  • #58012 Reply
    Profile photo of Andrena
    JeannineDay

    My friend feel such. He also referred like on Google and many more.

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