Being a family caregiver is stressful. Unless action is taken, stress will continue to build. Family members, even the loved one you’re caring for, may not understand your stress. Some family members may think you’re exaggerating. What’s all the fuss about?
“I’m not rushing you,” my husband declared. “Take your time.”
My sweet husband can tell when I’m stressed. “I’m not rushing you,” he often said. “Take your time.” But I can’t take lots of time because there is so much to do, and I’m always behind. This makes me feel like I’m not a good caregiver. This is my 19th year of caregiving and they have taught me to keep an eye on stress.
Knowing the sources of stress helps caregivers to cope with it.
Whether you’re a professional or family caregiver, grief is woven into your day. I grieve for my disabled husband, who spends his days in a wheelchair. If I’m honest with myself, I wonder how long he will live. Author Eleanor Silverberg, in her book, Keeping It Together: How to Cope as a Family Caregiver without Losing Your Sanity, thinks grief is an integral part of caregiving.
“Just as the nature of chronic, progressive illnesses makes it normal for you as a family caregiver to experience stress, the situational losses stemming from the illness make it normal for you as a family caregiver to experience grief,” she writes. And grief takes many forms.
Anticipatory grief –- a feeling of loss before a death or dreaded event occurs -— is also a source of stress. There are many symptoms of anticipatory grief and each one has an impact. My mother had a series of mini-strokes and, according to her physician, they added up to Alzheimer’s. I was her family caregiver for nine years and felt like she was dying cell-by-cell before my eyes.
Never-ending tasks can also cause stress. A “To Do” list may change gradually, as a loved one improves, or rapidly, as a loved one fails. Calling 911 can change tasks—and life—drastically. Although I’m a list-maker, sometimes I just go with the flow.
Financial worries are a source of stress and can plague caregivers day and night. Many fear they will run out of money and I understand this feeling. My husband and I live on a fixed income and the rising cost of living scares us. To cut down on expenses we’re eating less meat and rarely spend money on entertainment. Going to a movie is a big deal for us.
Personal health problems can cause stress too. I have arthritic hips and am stiff when I get up in the morning. In short, I’m getting creaky. We will have to hire more help or move to assisted living if my hips get worse. Thankfully, this hasn’t happened and we hope we can life here for several more years. What can family caregivers do about stress?
We can start by identifying its sources. Next, we can practice self-care. We can take steps to reduce expenses, always have a Plan B, and be on the lookout for anticipatory grief. Don’t let grief spoil a day. As author Leo Buscaglia noted years ago, “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”
I try to live in the moment, find joy in each day, and savor this time with my husband. We are blessed to have each other!