What does it feel like to be me?

The first word to come to mind is “full”. Frustrated is a close second. My 91yr. old mother has lived with me for six years. Her dementia has stolen her reasoning, memory, logic and ability to track what I’m saying. Some have told me that “caregiving” is my identity.

I don’t want it to be. I want it to be what I do and not be so encased in who I am.

What does it feel like to be me?

Sad a lot of the time as I get covered in anticipatory grief. The grief ebbs and flows in phases and I’m just now realizing that those phases will pass. I know life will have challenges and struggles but I can choose whether to be miserable or not.

What helps is focusing on the moments of joy I have with my mother today or in a brief moment. Those moments will be kind to me after she’s gone and bring me solace.

What does it feel like to be me?

Tired. Mentally, physically exhausted. I try to make time to do what refreshes and restores me, like gardening and going to church, lunch with friends, a massage, the gym, weekend away with my husband and the kids. It’s difficult when I’m so fatigued but once I push myself to do it, I always feel better.

What does it feel like to be me?

Lonely. Even when I’m not alone. Few people in my life truly understand what the experience of caregiving is. Friends ask how my mom is doing but rarely ask how I’M doing. And there are those times when I, too, get tired of hearing my own voice expressing my frustrations and irritations. Sometimes the loneliness is a loss of connection with myself. I’m an introvert and it is vital that I have time alone to reconnect with myself, my thoughts, to process what’s happened or be distracted from the chaos and unpredictability of it all. Those days to reconnect with myself are far and few between.

What does it feel like to be me?

Grateful. At the most challenging time in my life (caregiving for my mom) I experienced the greatest blessing in my life–I met and married my husband. My mom’s friend will take her for a few days to give me a break and I’m so thankful to her for that. I”m grateful for having good health to be able to continue caring for my mom. I’m still practicing acceptance for this struggle and pray for patience and stamina. This experience has brought me back to a connection with God and I don’t think anyone could be a caregiver without a connection to some higher power.

Thank you,
Kellie

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