How many times i risked leaving mom alone …she was still capable of walking and her dementia was still not that bad… To get an hour away at the local coffee house located in Silicon Valley’s Mountain View.

I remember being in coffee houses trying to strike up a conversation and when i answered to “what do you do?” with “I am sole caregiver for my mother who has dementia” was brushed off and abandoned like a tsunami warning had sounded.

Yeah…they would not be able to do it…cowards. This was like at my 6 month mark. She was in such bad shape when I got there my sisters thought she would live only 3-6 months. Well that was. THEIR level of abandonment caregiving. I cared for her a dozen years…got her healthy enough for life again. And I did bucket list of concerts and museums and experiences.

I do want to add though that there IS a vein of decent humanity…who will stick by you… I developed a community of care out there at 4 cafes, our hair salon, the supermarket…and eventually the nursing home. The staff at the senior day care center. We were “a thing” once the barrier was broken with staff rushing to welcome us. I made that happen for us.

We were lucky to have as next door neighbors a family raising a disabled boy…and they frequently had playdates at their home with families from their special ed class. Again…these families were rock solid and we fit in.

If you can persist through the shallows brushoff folks…you might strike gold…someone who gets it and who gets the real depth of your character. They are out there!

And in my case I attracted some folks who were top of their field.. Some “world class”…bestselling author…an important VC scout (arranged funding for the two Google guys)… an international world economist… An opera diva. All heavily involved in caring for parent or spouse… a Forbes magazine columnist who happened to be THE federal budget analyst in DC.

However the crushing burden… destroyed me in so many ways.

There will not be a “me” for my old age…nor a million dollar home to liquidate as was done for her nursing home years. (I still had to care for her 4 hours night for 3.5 years).

This GOP heartlessness regime will probably doom any meaningful relief for us… And will throw even more seniors into family care… Or family care-abuse, unfortunately.

Yeah..when does the “glad”start? I racked some upbeat memories… But i am scraping by in reality…renting room with boxes stacked around me. It seems karma does not kick in…until the next lifetime.

Carol Wright

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