This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Tessa 12 months ago.
October 21, 2016 at 11:17 am #56015
I don’t know if this really fits in here, because I’m not really a caregiver.
My best friend from childhood has cancer. I want to be there for him, but he’s pushing me away. He won’t tell me what’s going on, nevermind allow me to help him. I’m ready to do whatever he needs me to do, even if that’s just give him space for a while, but he’s so obviously sick and cutting everyone out and it scares me.
His mom has MS and needs help, so he provides a lot of support for her. She lives a state away, so this had meant a lot of traveling for him. I don’t know if he is going to be able to do that if he’s going through cancer treatments. Or maybe he would move in with her for a while. Either way, I have a car and would make things work to do what I can to support them both.
My fiancee just passed away a few weeks ago. It was sudden, and I’m overwhelmed with grief. I don’t want to lose two people who are so important to me, but he’s saying I don’t have space in my life for his illness. He says his illness is his journey, not mine.
I know that part of why I want to help is because I have this whole in my life. I feel like I need to do something, so if that something is to help someone I care so much about, that’s a worthy cause. But it really hurts me that he’s pushing me away. I think right now we need each other.
October 21, 2016 at 10:19 pm #56024
First of all, my condolences on your recent loss. The fact that you are dealing with two devastating issues at the same time would be tough for anyone to handle.
I can certainly see why you want to be there for your friend, and yes, you are very astute in that you may be feeling an extra need to help because of the gaping, raw hole in your life right now. Ultimately, no matter how close we are to someone, we cannot make someone accept our help. Perhaps a card letting him know that you are willing to help and sending positive thoughts/prayers his way would be appropriate. That way your conscience can be clear in that you reached out to him, and the ball is in his court to respond.
In the meantime, I hope you have some kind of support system to cope with your own loss. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are feeling. Taking good care of yourself now will allow you to be stronger down the road when your friend may reach out to you.
October 22, 2016 at 4:14 pm #56030
It’s true: you can’t force someone to accept help. Keep reaching out and letting him know you care about him and are ready to help when he’s ready to accept it.
What can you do for *you* while you deal with your grief? Are there other friends you can turn to?
Joy has good advice.