I wish she would just die

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  stephanie martinez 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #10327 Reply

    Millan

    My mother was a terrible mother to me as a child. She really seemd to resent having me and viewed me more as cheap labor than a child she should love. Now, here I am, continuing to be her cheap labor by taking care of her in her old age. All of her life she made decisions without considering me as a person who would want to live my own life. I’m tired of being stuck with her. I’ve been taking care of her all my life. She treats me like a servant and has never loved me. But there’s no one else, so if I left her she would be all on her own and she has no money. But how can I ever make my own life if all I do is work and care for her and never have a life of my own?

  • #10619 Reply

    Bob hidalgo

    I know what your feeling, I’m tired of the 24 / 7 care giving all by myself. I wish I could disappear.

    • #10631 Reply

      J

      Same here. Literally sick and exhausted. My parents could careless despite seeing me go downhill. Whole life is falling apart. I get it totally

  • #10628 Reply

    Siobhan E
    Participant

    I was in the same boat for decades. My mother has Narcissist Personality Disorder and wasn’t just a bad mother, she was a terrible wife to my father.
    He had an accident when I was 3 and was left permanently crippled as a result. I often think he and I had an unspoken agreement to not abandon the other with her.

    He passed away 5 years ago and I tried to get my mother put in a Home but no one would hear a word said against her. She was finally put in a home after she punched me in the face in front of a witness who spoke out about what she’d done instead of [as was the norm] dismissing it, or making excuses for her behaviour.

    I deeply resent the fact that my family, society (who refuse to accept the idea that a mother can be abusive) and The System forced me to care for her. I’ve had people say “why didn’t you just leave?” I couldn’t leave my dad to her ‘tender mercies’ and now I’m in my late 40s it’s too late for me to leave.

    People say “Oh but you’re only 49!”, that’ as may be, but [as Indiana Jones said] “it’s not the years, it’s the mileage” I’ve been through the grinder in the last few decade and my mental and physical health has suffered badly – I’m in no fit state to do anything now.

    I’ve had kind meaning people say that I could get married. To whom? No man is going to want to marry a woman who’s nearly 50, single no kids and has never been married. Men think I’m defective in some way to be single and childless at my age!

    I hope you can get some help Millan ((hugs))

  • #10629 Reply

    Cindy S

    Providing care to a parent takes many shapes. Just because a parent is in a nursing faculty, that does not mean the care terminates. Children visit with parents who are placed in facilities, take them to lunch and stay mutually invested in each other’s lives. No one but you, understands the history with your parent, so only you know what is best for you…..and them. Perhaps placement in a facility would be in the best interest for both.

  • #10638 Reply

    KRISTI WOOD

    if your parents actually have no money or resources, Medicaid can help with the financial matters as far as “placement” is concerned.

  • #10642 Reply

    Linda Langgood

    When I read these stories it was my life as I saw it with my Mom. I actually said to a counselor one time, ” I wish she were dead”. He told me that until I dealt with my pain, even if mom died she would haunt me from her grave.
    Thankfully eleven years before her death, we became daughter & mom again.
    Four years ago after mom passed I moved in to take care of my 84 now 88 y/0 dad with dementia. I couldn’t stop the flooding memories of the abusive husband my dad was to mom. I began understanding why she was so bitter. I caught myself wishing it was her I was caring for to make up for some of the pain I had caused her & the hardships she faced most of her life. Today I do the best I can for my dad & I have peace of mind from the past.
    I hope anyone in this position can find the peace & happiness they deserve.

  • #10645 Reply

    Lu Martin

    My mother tried to smother me when I was a child in a fit of rage (to get even with her cheating husband). I’ve spent my whole like not being able to trust a single person and feeling like a piece of garbage. Now my mother is sick and I’m stuck taking care of someone who did nothing to nurture me, and really, I raised myself from the age of 13. So, you can imagine how well that turned out. I resent being legally responsible for someone just because they brought me into this crappy world.

  • #10646 Reply

    Lynanne

    Mine is a little different. It’s my husband who I resent having to take care of. He has been mentally, physically, and emotionally abusive in our marriage. I grew up in a VERY strict Christian house where divorce was a bad word. There was NEVER a reason for that. So I didn’t think it was a possibility. After a while, I decided that I wouldn’t be a statistic and the next time he touched me, abusively, I would leave him. We never consummated our relationship because he was impotent and never told me. Again, not a reason for divorce. The next time he pushed me, I broke my finger. I just happened to be the day he came home from the hospital from having cancer surgery. How could I leave a man who was just diagnosed with cancer? He now is legally blind and on dialysis. So after almost 28 years, I wish he would die so I could get on with my life.

  • #10664 Reply

    Jan

    My heart goes out to you. No one can tell you what to do, as you most likely already know. May I suggest you earnestly seek a way to find peace with your mom before she passes away? Otherwise, you may continue to allow her crazy poison dust to continue hovering over you. Yes, our parents have that ability to damage us; however as adults we can say, no more. It was not until my mother entered some form of dementia that she began treating me lovingly. I accepted then she would never apologize for the hurt she caused and made the decision to just let it go. Protect yourself… your health and your future. Placing your mom in a nursing home is not abandoning her and since children have no legal financial responsibility for a parent, the State will consider only her assets in bearing the cost for her placement. You can visit your mom, call to check on her, etc. Find peace to mute her power over you indefinitely.

  • #20745 Reply

    Lora

    Oh my, that has to be so difficult. Hard enough when you have a good or pretty good relationship. No matter what when she is gone you will have a lot of thoughts. Thoughts can some times Change after someone is gone. Some can be relief and then others regret. No matter how another person has treated you in life there is the part of “you” and how you treated others in life despite that. Sometimes we just have to do what we know is the right thing no matter what. That has been my philosophy in life. By the way. I took care of my parents through cancer and they died 6 mo apart. Life wasn’t always great growing up but hey, they were the best they could be with what they knew!!

  • #25275 Reply

    BeBe

    I go back and forth on the wishing my mom would die thought. On days where she’s really nasty and struggling, I wish that God would be merciful and take her home. On the nicer days, even though she’s a demanding bitty, and she’s enjoying her day, it seeems sad that she should die.

    But every day, she is getting worse. Her conditions have been called “chronic” by her doctors, yet I think that we have crossed over into “terminal”. I’ve been avoiding making the call to hospice to ask questions. Yes, yes, I know denial is not just a river in Egypt. It just tough, you know?

  • #25276 Reply

    BeBe

    I go back and forth on the wishing my mom would die thought. On days where she’s really nasty and struggling, I wish that God would be merciful and take her home. On the nicer days, even though she’s a demanding bitty, and she’s enjoying her day, it seeems sad that she should die.

    But every day, she is getting worse. Her conditions have been called “chronic” by her doctors, yet I think that we have crossed over into “terminal”. I’ve been avoiding making the call to hospice to ask questions. Yes, yes, I know denial is not just a river in Egypt. It’s just tough, you know?

  • #66620 Reply

    stephanie martinez

    I am in a similar situation as many of you
    My mom was diagnosed recently with advanced small cell lung cancer and it is in her liver and bones..
    My mother truly only gave birth to me. She left me at the hospital and my Gma (her mom) came and got me. My Gma raised me.
    My mother has been a passerby in my life from the time I was born.
    I can only remember a handful of times she was around before I was grown and even when she was around she did not treat me well. She would drag me with her from bar to bar. By the time I was 12 I drove her drunk self home. When I was pregnant with my older son she got on top of me punching me in the stomach to try to make me have a miscarriage. She has tried to run me over with a car steal my children and turn my Gma against me before she passed away.
    That is just to tip of the iceberg of what she did to me during my life.

    So now she is terminally ill and I am her only child. Yay me!!!! NOT!!!!
    I have spent the last 3 weeks taking care of her not being able to work during this time because she can’t be left alone. Today I find out she has been telling my son in law she hates me that I am a bitch…she doesn’t want to be around me etc…

    I don’t feel bad she is sick… I feel guilty cause I could care less if she lives or dies.
    Does this make me a horrible person???

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