November 20, 2017 at 12:15 pm #68134
When I married my husband 6 years ago, his widowed mother age 83 then, had to have heart stents right after we got married. She did great. At the time, there was a daughter and her husband living there with her; not to care for her but for their financial need. The other siblings kicked them out when there was an altercation while their mother was in the rehab recovering from her surgery. My mil cooked, raised a garden, pulled weeds, canned etc. but when she came home from rehab suddenly her daughters decided she needed someone to stay with her every night, she was alone all day, but needed someone at night? She was sharp as a tack. Best part is: there are 7 living kids and the sisters told everyone what night they would be staying and that they would be staying! my husband and his 2 brothers just do whatever their bossy sisters tell them. Several of us live close by; as in close neighbors. The oldest sister who lives across the street stayed at first, then informed them that because she takes her mother to the doctor and takes her grocery shopping, she isn’t going to spend the night anymore! Each sibling stayed one night a week. So when she stooped, they started a rotation on her night to cover her. She is retired by the way and everyone else works. My husband often works 10/12 hour days and has a farm to take care of. One sibling lives out of town so my mother in law paid fir a family friend to stay in her place-why didn’t her daughter pay this… she was one of ones who thought someone needed to be there. So in summary, we have stated one night a week with a woman who is not bedridden, no denentia and was fine on her own. We stay because her daughters are overly emotional about their mother. They cry and wail if she has any little thing wrong with her. I look at them and think how my father was bedridden for 6 years before he died, and HAD to have someone stay. Fast forward to a couple months ago and mil had a TIA from which she fully recovered. But here we go again, daughters decide mother can’t be alone for even 30 minutes now. She uses a walker because she has a bad knee but other than that she is fine. Oldest daughter who stopped spending the night with her mother, gives each sibling a letter saying she asked mother if she wanted her to be her caregiver and she said yes-also said she discussed it with 2 of her sisters and the 3 of them decided she wouldbe paid by the hour! No discussion with other siblings, no family meeting. Furthermore she said she stays till 6 pm and you are late You are to pay her the hourly fee her mother pays. WTH!! And my husband says nothing to her about it-if he can’t get there till 8, he expects me to go. Why are the rest of the siblings staying for free and the one thinks she should be paid ? And instead if her mother paying her after 6 pm she expects siblings to? And now weekend days, siblings are expected to sign up and stay because the one who is paid doesn’t stay on weekends! Sure she wants her weekends free. She’s retired but my husband works late every day and has a farm to take care of. Does this sound right to anyone? There is so much more about his sisters and their dysfunction. Also in the letter it said she would cook and clean and see that mother dies her PT exercises but she mostly naps and watches tv. Mother has not even been doing her exercises! And the daughter usually doesn’t cook her dinner like she said she would so we end up buying food and cooking or taking plus cleaning up kitchen. Yet if the sisters but so much as a battery, they are paid for it. My husband and I fight over this who,e situation and his bossy controlled sisters. One even changed the will 6 years ago when mother was in nursing home for rehab following her stent surgery.
November 20, 2017 at 12:37 pm #68135
They baby this woman; early on another daughter in law said bring her to my house and she can stay with me at night, she is widowed also. But no, mother wants to be in her own home and she gets whatever she wants. She lives in a nice 3 bedroom home with an attached garage, utility room and a 2 car detached garage. She no longer owns a car, she decided to not drive when her husband died. So point is she has all kinds of storage space; and the eldest daughter went on her own and got a builder to come give an estimate for adding a room on to the house. Mother kept saying she wanted a room added on, that she does not need. She wanted it to be a catch all/junk room! I suggested she have a yard sale or donate items and that she had plenty of storage. But she got her room. The sister never even got estimates from anyone else! The guy did not do a very good job and despite 20k estimate I know this room cost at least 30k to store junk! No one else in family was told or consulted before contract was signed. There comes a time in your parents lives where they need your guidance about what is best for them. And a 30k junk room with only one bid ain’t it! A month after room was built she had the TiA and is now paying by the hour for her own daughter to stay. By the way, daughter went on vacation the week her mother was in rehab and all sisters expected us to stay the night with her there too, even with a skilled nursing staff and also while in hospital. And her hourly pay started the day her mother came home! What a piece of work! And my non confronting husband says nothing to keep peace with his family.
November 28, 2017 at 11:35 am #68181
If you think the sister is taking financial advantage of MIL you can report for elder abuse/fraud. If she is being paid but doesn’t do tasks or make food. Sorry you are going through this. It reminds me of my dad letting his sister take care of my grandparents. Hopefully the sister is providing some comfort to your MiL even if she is pushy and unflexible in her dealings with the other siblings. Unfortunately you prob have to ride this out with your head held high. Know at least that you have good ethics and that the family is at least doing something for the MiL.
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