I am a married, working adult and live with my husband. Our two grown children have moved out. I am finding it challenging helping to care for my elderly mother who lives with my widowed sister – she has limited mobility and dementia. We take turns taking Mom every other weekend and I’m happy to do it to give my sister a much needed break plus I like spending time with Mom. However, when it’s my turn to have the weekend off, she schedules appointments etc. anyway which means I have to end up looking after Mom anyway so in the end, I never get a break on the weekends (I work too). Also, I schedule and take Mom to all her doctor appointments and pay for them and I ensure she gets haircuts, manicures, pedicures, etc. and pay for those as well. My sister has accused me in the past of not doing enough and I know she has been bad mouthing me to her friends which is so unfair. I’m still married and it’s not fair that I have to put my husband second all the time or that he has to move out of our bedroom every other weekend because Mom has to sleep with me (we have stairs so worry we can’t leave her in the spare room on her own a nights). I know how draining it can be looking after her and I totally understand why my poor sister feels overwhelmed. I would have Mom stay with us but my husband works from home and it just wouldn’t work. Can anyone offer me any advice? Am I being unreasonable?
No, you’re not being unreasonable. But you and your sister should stop the passive-aggressive interplay and get this out in the open. The current situation is only going to make you both more and more resentful. Discuss what you each would feel a fair arrangement would be and then work on making a schedule that suits both of you.