I made a vow to love my husband in sickness and health and I’m doing my best to honor that vow. It’s taking everything I have out of me.

Every day I get up and do all the things that need to be done. Including taking care of my husband.

I expected the burden of raising a family, supporting ourselves financially, and keeping house would be a burden we would share. Instead, I carry this burden on my own.

I can’t go out with my friends. I can’t do the things I used to enjoy. I leave the house for work and errands, other than that I feel like a prisoner.

People tell me I’m a good wife, but honestly, I miss being a wife. I miss cooking dinner with him. I miss the every day banter and running errands and the mundane moments no one thinks about until they’re gone. I miss him kissing me, of feeling like a woman.

People think I’m fine, but things are very far from fine. There’s hardly any laughter or joy in my life anymore. I don’t know how much longer I can go on, but I know I will. I have to.

Before he got sick I’d thought about leaving him. I decided I couldn’t, I’d taken a vow. I stayed, worked things out, accepted the way things were. Then they got worse when he got sick.

I’m so busy taking care of everything else that I can’t take care of myself. I can’t take care of my own health, his has to come first. My mental health, my need to leave the house to get a glass of wine and laugh with friends, my need for a few hours of peace and quiet, comes last.

Who would I even get drinks with? What friends are left after these past few years? What hobbies did I even have? That life seems like so long ago.

D. Alexander

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